TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses domestic violence and may be triggering.
Please read it when you're in a safe, private space where you won't be interrupted. If you're worried someone may check your device, consider using a private browsing window.
If you're experiencing domestic violence, please know that many people in abusive relationships feel confused, isolated or ashamed. Support is available, including funded counselling options. If any of this information sounds familiar, it is worth discussing with someone you trust. This may be a trusted friend, a GP, or a mental health professional experienced in relationship abuse.
If you're in immediate danger, call 000.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Signs of Domestic and Family Violence, and Why Leaving Is So Hard
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Domestic and family violence is a pattern of behaviour in which one person tries to gain power and control over another. It can be physical, but it's often emotional, financial, sexual or technological, and it tends to build gradually. Responses like freezing or appeasing are survival strategies, not weakness.
I have written this post to help victims understand the warning signs; whether you're trying to make sense of your own experience, or you're worried about someone you care about, this information might help.
What are the warning signs of domestic and family violence?
At the start of a relationship, it is rarely obvious whether it will become abusive. Many people who go on to become controlling or violent present, early on, as attentive and charming. Warning signs seldom appear overnight. They surface gradually and tend to intensify as the relationship deepens.
No two abusive relationships look identical, but a common thread runs through most: one partner working to establish power and control over the other, whether emotionally, financially, physically or sexually. There is rarely a single dramatic event. More often, there is a cumulative pattern.
According to 1800RESPECT, Australia's national counselling and information service, even one or two of the following behaviours, occurring consistently, warrant serious attention:
- threatening to hurt you, your children, your pets, or people you care about
- cutting you off from friends or family
- following, harassing, or refusing to leave you alone
- controlling what you do, who you talk to, or where you go
- making you question your own memory or mental health (gaslighting)
- using the legal system to bully or intimidate you
- taking your money or using money to make your life harder
- touching you in ways you don't want, or forcing sexual activity
- monitoring your phone, social media or emails without permission
- damaging your home or belongings
- physical violence, including hitting or kicking.
What is coercive control?
Coercive control describes a pattern of behaviours used to dominate, isolate and control another person over time. Many of the warning signs above are forms of it: monitoring, restricting money, cutting someone off from support, or making threats. Because it often involves no physical violence, people experiencing it can struggle to recognise it as abuse, or worry that others won't take it seriously.In Queensland, coercive control is now a criminal offence. It's recognised as a serious form of domestic and family violence in its own right, not just a warning sign of physical violence to come.
How do people respond to abuse in the moment?
A frequently misunderstood aspect of surviving abuse is how a person is expected to respond in the moment. This misunderstanding is a common source of victim-blaming. You may hear, "They should have left sooner; what did they expect?" The assumption of these statements is that fear produces a clear response. It doesn't.
When a person is in real or perceived danger, the brain shifts into survival mode. The regions responsible for rational thought are deprioritised. Instinct and learned reflexes take over. From this survival mode, four broad patterns tend to emerge:
1. Fight: Actively resisting or defending. This is often the least accessible option when an abuser is physically stronger, armed, or has a history of escalating violence.
2. Flight: Physically removing oneself from the situation. This is frequently short-lived, as fear of the consequences can pull a person back.
3. Freeze: Becoming unable to move, speak or act. Many survivors describe feeling numb or disconnected, as though observing the situation happen to someone else.
4. Fawn: A response fewer people recognise, but one that comes up constantly in clinical work with survivors. Fawn involves appeasement as a survival strategy. Rather than fighting, fleeing or shutting down, some people learn to de-escalate danger by becoming agreeable or acutely attuned to what the other person wants. This does not indicate passivity. Rather, it reflects that compliance once offered more protection than resistance did. It often has roots that predate the current relationship, which is part of why it's the hardest of the four to recognise in oneself.
None of these responses are chosen. The brain is doing its job to keep you safe. Recognising this as a survival instinct, and not a weakness, is important. It matters for both survivors and the people supporting them.
This question is at the forefront of discussion in Australia. It usually comes from a place of confusion rather than judgement. Not every relationship follows a clear cycle. In relationships built on coercive control, the control can be constant, with no obvious "incidents" at all. Part of the answer lies in understanding the pattern of abuse. Abusive relationships are rarely static. Many psychologists see a repeating cycle in work with domestic and family violence:
1. Tension gradually builds.
2. An acute incident occurs.
3. A period of reconciliation follows, with apologies, promises, and a return to the "good" version of the partner.
4. Relative calm follows, for a time.
5. Tension returns, typically with increasing frequency and severity over time.
This point is important: calm and reconciliation phases are often genuine, not manufactured. This is exactly why they are disorienting.
A partner who is truly warm and apologetic between incidents makes leaving harder, not easier, because the relationship isn't abusive all the time. Understanding the cycle helps survivors make sense of feelings that otherwise seem contradictory. It also helps the people around them offer support without judgement.
There are also practical reasons leaving is hard:
- Financial dependence
- Children
- Housing
- Visa or work concerns
- Isolation from friends and family
- Fear of what the other person will do
In particular, the period around separation can be one of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship.
This is why safety planning with a professional or support service matters before and during any decision to leave.
How does therapy help survivors of domestic violence?
Supporting victims of domestic and family violence is nuanced. There is no one-size-fits-all approach. What helps one survivor heal may not suit another. Healing tends to go best with a clinician who has specific training and experience in how trauma affects the brain, the body and a person's sense of self. Effective support tends to move through a broad sequence:
1. Safety and stabilisation. Assessing the baseline level of physical and psychological safety. This is achieved through safety planning or consistent contact with a professional. It is critical this work is completed before deeper trauma work.
2. Validation and naming. Many survivors have spent months or years minimising what happened to them. Having a professional clearly name the behaviour as abusive can be a turning point.
3. Trauma-informed processing. Using approaches such as trauma-focused cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR). These are designed to help a person process traumatic memories gradually and safely, rather than avoiding them or becoming overwhelmed by them.
4. Restoring agency and choice. Trauma narrows a person's sense of control. Recovery means rebuilding it. This involves decisions as small as what to discuss in a session and as large as decisions about the relationship itself.
About the author
Alistair Redfern is a Psychologist at Connect Corner Clinic in Brisbane. He has worked with many survivors of domestic and family violence and wrote this post to help people understand their own experience without judgement.
Last reviewed: 23 September 2026
Alistair Redfern
Psychologist
If you resonate with the information in this blog post, please consider reaching out to Connect Corner Clinic for support by clicking "Find the Right Support" below or "Book an Appointment".
If you don't feel ready for therapy, please consider contacting any of the support services listed below.
24/7 confidential support
1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732 (national)
Text support: text HELLO to 0488 806 812
Queensland-specific
DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811
DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636
Safety planning
DVConnect offers free, confidential safety planning.
1800RESPECT can help you create a personalised safety plan.
If you're in immediate danger
Call 000
FAQ
Common Questions
Is emotional abuse considered domestic violence?
Yes. Domestic and family violence includes emotional, psychological, financial, sexual and technology-facilitated abuse, as well as coercive and controlling behaviour. It doesn't need to be physical to be abuse.
Is coercive control illegal in Queensland?
Yes. Coercive control is a criminal offence in Queensland. Protection orders are also available for many forms of abusive behaviour.
Can men experience domestic violence?
Yes. Anyone can experience domestic and family violence, regardless of gender, age, sexuality or background. DVConnect Mensline (1800 600 636) supports men in Queensland.
Can I see a psychologist without leaving the relationship?
Yes. You don't need to have left, or have decided to leave, to get support. Therapy can focus on your safety, making sense of what's happening, and your options, at your pace.
Can I get funded counselling for domestic violence in Queensland?
Yes, there are funding options that can reduce or cover the cost of counselling:
- Victim Assist Queensland provides financial assistance for counselling for people affected by acts of violence, including domestic and family violence. Connect Corner Clinic is a Victim Assist Queensland provider. Eligibility criteria apply, and our team can talk you through the process.
- A Mental Health Treatment Plan from your GP can give you access to Medicare rebates for sessions with a psychologist.If you're not sure which option applies to you, contact us and we'll help you work it out.Where to get help nowIf any of this resonates with your own experience, or you are worried about someone you care for, you do not have to figure out the next steps alone.
